I would like to apologize for not updating my blog

I know it’s been several months since I updated this internet blog. And I know many of you are – to say the least – disappointed.

I won’t go into the reasons why, though rest assured there are many (prison, brain cancer, farming accident, space exploration, celebrity poker, Hands Across America, pregnancy, Emerson Lake & Palmer, tigers!, potassium, the Civil War, Tom Hanks, more tigers!, Indonesian pit fighting, a doppelganger locking me in a metal box for six weeks and charging $10,000 worth of phone sex on my credit cards, hovercrafts, argyle socks, Toto’s first three albums, the 1968 Winter Olympics, kudzu, Steel Reserve, plankton, white hole singularities, the Electric Slide, Palm Olive). Still these would serve as mere excuses and won’t make up for the fact that it’s been over seven months since I gave you a dose of what COMPLETES YOU. Namely ME and the minutia of my life.

Seven months. Seven fucking months.

I’ve received hundreds of angry letters. And thousands of tear-drenched missives, suicide notes, nude Polaroids and court orders all PLEADING me to give at least some kind of sign that I still was here, and that I still cared. I’d like to say I’m sorry. But it won’t replace the hurt. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness.

Will you forgive me?

I know some of you have been unable to eat and sleep. I know some of you have been forced to quit your jobs due to anxiety and general malaise. I’d like to ask for special forgiveness from the one fan who had a miscarriage related to my absence; I can’t bring your dead baby back but what I CAN do is let you know that I’ve asked my prayer group to hold a special Black Mass in your honor. We’ll sacrifice a newborn calf and dance sky-clad upon the Mount of Sorrow. Then we shall orgy, as is the fertility rite, with you and your atrophied lifeless fetus in our hearts.

And I’d like to offer up a promise to all of you: That I will never let this happen again. I will never again leave you stranded in the sea of Blogopia on a blog-raft made of blog-flotsam & blog-jetsam, left without a paddle or jet engine or harpoon of any sort, without sustenance, without meaning or purpose to your lives, left without anything save the dim hope that one day your Savior shall return.

Well here I am. I have returned. And I shall never let this happen again, my minions. But if I do, I shall apologize again in a similar fashion.