Restaurant Review: El Guapo!

El Guapo Mexican Cantina
7250 Melrose Ave
Hollywood, CA 90046
Date(s) attended: 08/16/05, 10/11/05



El Guapo specializes in sub-El Torito Mexican fare and atrocious service, catering to a clientele of date-rapists. I would not be surprised in the slightest to find a rohypnol-dispenser in the Men’s Room.

In fact the only thing that did surprise me was that I made it out of there at all without getting raped. I’m almost offended, but I suppose there was plenty of easier prey for the Omega Chi Gangbang pledges to savage on the pool table.

Oh, wait; there is no pool table… of course. Why would an establishment marketing itself as a “Mexican Cantina/sports bar” have a pool table? Everyone knows that Mexicans can’t play pool, and pool is not a sport.

The staff at El Guapo moves at a pace normally reserved for glaciers and quadruple-amputees. I waited no less than 17 minutes as the scowling pubescent girls behind the bar contended with four paying customers ordering bottled beer. When I finally received my order I tipped my sociopath barkeep 17 cents; enough to let her know that I didn’t forget to tip, but that she deserved far less than what an illegal farm-worker receives for an hour of backbreaking labor. I hope this life-lesson stays with her until her trust fund runs out, but that’s unlikely. More likely she’ll be so entrenched in therapy from the numerous sexual assaults she received at the hands of El Guapo customers that her atrocious work ethic will matter little.

In summation, you should only patronize El Guapo if you hate your life, or if you’re planning to rape someone.